you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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