I cannot find my penis.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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