He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
