He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
