nut hugger
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
