I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
