you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
