my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
They have beer where we have blood.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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