my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
