every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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