There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
