Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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