my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
