rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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