my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Randomize
