First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
two words...techno handjob
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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