Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
