It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
