I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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