my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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