the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
