I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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