I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We smell like vodka and hangover
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