Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
