All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
