He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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