Just fell off a train. Bad.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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