i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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