dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
This girl is more easily done than said...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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