I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
