i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
