Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
