At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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