Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
