And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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