Everything about him screamed your future.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Randomize