that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
