Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
