There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize