Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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