Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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