I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
