He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
