It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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