Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
