fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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