Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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