i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
