Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
