just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
