omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
