would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
false alarm, still single
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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