Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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