the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
