she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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