she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
