chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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