She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
