Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
