i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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