I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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