i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
