dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
worst night to have a conscience
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
